Who wants to be a writer/ artist anyway?

These past few months I have been pondering on my inability to make a go of being a writer or an artist. Yes, it's true I do get regular visions of creativity that are the basic requirements of being a writer or an artist of some sort. Every month I used to have the demons of restlessness pestering my soul until I produced a poem, an extra couple of scenes in my play or a short story or two. Nowadays those demons are of a more angelic nature and are focused more on visual art. Every month I paint a picture of two of an abstract expressionist nature, I draw a picture or two of indeterminate subject matter. I produce the art and the literature but there's always something stopping me from exposing myself to the world or promoting myself.

I used to be of the belief that creativity is dirt common and that only the very privileged of those creative souls were able to make something of themselves. To an extent I still believe this. But I am now of the belief that there is more to life and the world around us than art and literature. I would much rather establish myself in the solid world, as an individual whose purpose is to help alleviate the suffering of others or to nurture people and in turn help feel more human.

I used to dream of being a glamorous and famous writer like Doris Lessing in her youth, a well-dressed hostess of sophisticated and intellectual parties like Virginia Woolf's sister. It doesn't exist. Not for me anyway. I am ground in place by my circumstances, by my background, by the people I know, by my contacts, by my ethnicity, economic condition, introversion. I am not like those people, nor will I ever be. Do I even want to?

Whats important is for me is to be authentic to my personal circumstances, to experience life to its fullest, to mature, to develop myself further. And most importantly, to stop thinking of fame and fortune, not because I'm talentless and deluded or that I'm lowly and humble and don't deserve any of it. But because fame and fortune don't equate with enlightenment, or the happily ever after, and most soberingly of all, it doesn't mean I'll live forever. One day I will too die, just like billions of people before me. I cannot take fame and fortune with me to the other side.

So my answer is, no, I do not want to be a famous artist or writer. I much prefer my own life to be a work of art than works of art to be my whole life. I don't want to be a slave. I just want to live a simple life and do an honest job. And Joyce Carol Oates, I would much rather be Alice than Lewis Carroll.

I'm only 23 years old and I think I'm entitled to live life before writing about it.